Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Motivation Lost

Without the marathon to train for, my motivation has disappeared.  I should have gone out for a run every day this week, but haven't managed once.  I know that running would be good for me mentally. The two races I have run the past two weekends have been wonderfully therapeutic.  They were fun.  I needed them.

I mentioned briefly in a previous post that I have recently felt victimized and out of control.  Several weeks ago it became clear that my husband's wonderful job that we picked up and moved here for wasn't working out. Once again, this economy was biting us in the ass.

So my husband is busting his hump finding consulting or full time work and I am looking for a full time job.  My dream of starting my own running/fitness/lifestyle business will have to be put on hold. Being out of the job market for a while has left me feeling a little less confident.

Going through this, yet again, so soon is demoralizing, frustrating and depressing.  You are taught that if you work hard and strive to always do the right thing, good things will happen to you.  I find myself falling into the "why me" trap.  That is not my style.  I usually like to take things head on. However, lately I have been feeling sorry for myself.  For crying out loud, when is it OUR turn? 

I am sure all this stress is a big factor in my lack of motivation.  Another factor is the lack of races on my calendar.  I was going to run the Catalina marathon next month, but the logistics are just too much right now.  Between the boat ride over, the hotel stay and meals, it not only gets expensive but a little lonely. My husband would have gone with me, but Catalina is where we go to celebrate and he didn't have the heart for it.  My girlfriend is running her first marathon anxious wanted to be there with her.  But her husband will be there and I don't want to be a third wheel.

This week I took a temporary job to earn some extra money. It is quite possibly the most boring job I have ever done.  But it is also completely stress free. So it is easy money.  It is my first time working in almost four years where I wasn't wearing workout gear.  That is another thing affecting my running this week.  It is a lot easier to get two kids ready for school when I don't have to make my lunch, shower, blow dry my hair, put makeup on, and find professional attire that still fits me.  I'm sure once I do this a while, I'll get in more of a groove. For now, adding an hour of running in there is too much.

So now I go between feeling guilty and feeling sad for missing this week's runs. I am sure I'll run this weekend, so that should make up for it.   In fact, I am really looking forward to running this weekend.  Hopefully, it will help ground me a little, put things back into perspective and get the "poor me's" out of my system.

I apologize if some of these posts lately have been a little more dark.  Sometimes this blog is as much therapy as it is a journal of my running.  I will hopefully post more upbeat and inspiring things soon.

Happy Running.


Marathonman101108 said...

Hey, we're all here for you! It's OK to not always be upbeat, especially with all you're going through right now. So sorry about your husband's job not working out. A stress free, boring job isn't such a bad thing. You're earning an income, getting more work experience, and not getting stressed while working. Sounds pretty good to me!! You'll get into a new routine with work and "play" in no time. With that your running motivation and mojo will return. Take it one day at a time, be thankful for what you do have, and remember that things happen for a reason. This is all leading to a better life for you and yours. Good luck, and vent in your blog anytime. Running blogging buddies are the best, as you already know. :-)

Teamarcia said...

Dark is good as long as you're getting it out and what better place than your blog?
I'm sorry things are tough right now. Life really isn't fair. Its not. The challenge is to make the most of the hand we're dealt. Easier said than done sometimes I know. Sending all good thoughts that things will settle in a good way for you soon!

L.B. said...

Sorry to hear you're in a tough place right now. It's quite frustrating, I know. I always feel that we're hanging by a thread and if that thread snaps, so too will our lives.

I hope it will be your turn to reap the rewards for your hard work soon enough.

Anonymous said...

Sending a big hug your way! I'm sorry you're dealing with tough times right now, but I think everybody is allowed to have some "poor me" moments at times. The good thing is that you're expressing these feelings via the blog. I have a huge tendency to keep all of my emotions (especially negative ones) bottled up inside and that ends up hurting more. I'm glad we can be part of your therapy. My thoughts are with you guys!

Aron said...

you just ran a HUGE race, that really takes a lot out of you, so dont be so hard on yourself about not getting out there. its good to take some down time and to let yourself relax a bit :) i went through that too after CIM... trust me it will be back!

also, i am so sorry you guys are going through this again :( that definitely doesnt help the situation! have faith that its all just going to work out because "everything happens for a reason" :) hang in there... sending lots of good thoughts your way!

Kathy said...

I read your blog often, and am very inspired by your dedication to fitness and your running successes! I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. I recently had to go back to work full time after being able to stay home 2 days during the week, and the adjustment was hard. But, I have managed to make a new schedule for myself, and it's do-able for sure. Hang in there!

MCM Mama said...

{{{HUGs}}} Friends (be they online or IRL) aren't just there for the happy, they should be there for the difficult too. So, talk about and whine about and rage about whatever you need. I'll keep my fingers crossed that a great opportunity opens up very soon for you guys. Hang in there!

prashant said...

This is all leading to a better life for you and yours. Good luck,

Work From Home

Glenn Jones said...

I know your feelings. I have a 10 year old business going that probably won't survive the year. I use running as my cheap therapy. I get out in the evening after these stressful days and run to clear my mind and keep from biting my wife and kids heads off when I get home.

Sending hugs and wishes to your family! Remeber - you don't drive you car by looking in the rear view mirror. Time to look out the windshield and move ahead!

Irene said...

I feel for you, Lisa. Things have to turn around. They just have to. It's a sucky time for a lot of us.
I'm glad you were able to find some kind of employment. I hope things will turn around for your husband as well.


Ditto on what Glenn said about therapy. Running IS very therapeutic.

Laura said...

Awww, I definitely hear you on feeling like you deserve more than you've been getting! That's exactly what got me down. Hang in there!

Lindsay said...

big hug! i'm sorry to hear about the stressful and frustrating times you are having :( hope you are able to get out for some quality run time, no matter if it's 10 minutes, 30, or an hour. pound out your thoughts and troubles and return to the 'real world' with a vengeance!

bethtrue said...

Your post really resonated with me and although I don't have much advice on the job-front, I just wanted to say that it is possible to work full time, be a mom, and still get your workouts in - and also regarding running this week or the lack thereof - don't beat yourself up. you're giving your body a break, and you'll pick it back up again. there are good times and there are bad times and the good thing about running is that it will always be there for you when you're ready. :-) ok i hope that helps a little. hang in there. and please keep us posted.

Aka Alice said...

Oh Lisa...I'm sorry...that's just stinks about your hubby's job (although the really, incredibly, selfish little part of me says that maybe that means you will be able to move back to San Diego?)

You'll get the hang of the whole working mom/getting the kids to school/getting a workout in thing. I know you will, cuz you're just that kind of girl.

Oh and ditto on what everyone else said about your blog. Rant and complain away babe. That's what we're here for. Lord knows I do plenty of that myself...besides running, it is my "other" therapy.

Kristin said...

I am so sad that things are rough again these days. I know your resilience and strength will help get you through. I hope you find a job that is fun and challenging to you (as well as helping pay the bills). You are a great mom and great person (as well as a great runner) and that's not going to change! Thank you for your supportive words on my blog. I know that whining about my running is a pretty luxurious problem to have, as opposed to REAL problems. So thanks for taking a moment to indulge me. :) I am thinking of you, and hoping that the day will soon come when your biggest complaint is a less than stellar run.

Terri said...

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry to hear that Kenny's job didn't work out. I remember you telling me that he was working ridiculous hours, and if it wasn't right, then it's for the better. It may not seem that way now but it is, trust me.

I am reading a book right now on talking to angels, and I hope you don't think I'm a quack for saying this, but I think you just need to say out loud "hey, I could use a little help here now, so if you're watching out for me, I'm ready and listening." Supposedly it works.

And I've long thought that our blogs were more than just us talking about our running, for sure.

This settles it, I'm getting back on facebook again so I can keep up with you, Jill, Alissa and Penny more (I'm sure I am missing out on someone.) Glenn must be on there.

The Alien said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I'm sure once you get used to the new routine it will get easier to keep up with your runs.

Just hang in there until the weekend so you can go out and get some endorphins running through your system, I'm sure that will make you feel a lot better!


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