I noticed something about myself today that concerned me a little bit. Not a lot, but I know if I post it here, it will keep me accountable and ensure that these feelings don't go further. I know that there are several of my friends out in blogland that have struggled with eating disorders, so I know that you will make sure I don't head down that road.
Today I went to a podiatrist to make sure that my foot is ok.* The nurse was getting all my vitals and weighed me. A small wave of disappointment went over me after seeing 123 pounds. I thought after all the marathon training that I would weigh a little less than that. Then she asked me my height. I am between 5'5" and 5'6". She put 5'5" and my BMI came up on the computer as a somewhere around 20.5. I was hoping to see it in the 19's. I actually thought about asking her to change my height to 5'6".
I am on the lower end of normal for BMI. WHY would I want to be even lower? It is not right for me to think that way. My logical self knows that. I know what is healthy.
The other day, I was reluctant posting this picture on Facebook because it shows a little post-baby pooch in my belly hanging over my hydration belt. I thought to myself that after months of marathon training, I shouldn't have a tummy pooch. I posted the pictures that showed it the least. I told myself that I had carbo loaded. The truth is, I have a little pooch that will never go away.**
I actually didn't post this one because I was vain about the belly shot.
I have a lot of crap going on in my life right now. I am feeling a little victimized and definitely not in control of what is going on around us. I know that these kinds of feelings can lead to behavior that seeks to find control.
I have been lucky enough to have never been on a diet. The only scale we own has been out of batteries for months. I don't obsess about my weight. I am sure that I don't have an eating disorder. In fact, I don't think a lot about what I eat***. However, I would hate to think about wanting to lose weight when I am right where I need to be.
So here I am, post-baby belly pooch and all. When my three-year-old asks me if I have a belly in my tummy, I will smile and tell her that she is the last baby I will ever need. I will be proud of my strong abdominal muscles, even if they don't form a six-pack. I just need to focus on staying strong and running, running, running. Not because it is good for my tummy, because it is good for my soul.
*Thank goodness there is no stress fracture. He recommended custom orthotics and a bone density scan. He thinks that my bones are starting to get weaker (which might explain my pain), so I need to start adding calcium.
**I have never a completely flat tummy, even at my thinnest.
***I do want to think a little more about what I eat. I recently had some bloodwork done and my HDL (good cholesterol) was not as high as I would have liked. Results also show that I might be borderline anemic. Time to add some more iron.