Without the marathon to train for, my motivation has disappeared. I should have gone out for a run every day this week, but haven't managed once. I know that running would be good for me mentally. The two races I have run the past two weekends have been wonderfully therapeutic. They were fun. I needed them.
I mentioned briefly in a previous post that I have recently felt victimized and out of control. Several weeks ago it became clear that my husband's wonderful job that we picked up and moved here for wasn't working out. Once again, this economy was biting us in the ass.
So my husband is busting his hump finding consulting or full time work and I am looking for a full time job. My dream of starting my own running/fitness/lifestyle business will have to be put on hold. Being out of the job market for a while has left me feeling a little less confident.
Going through this, yet again, so soon is demoralizing, frustrating and depressing. You are taught that if you work hard and strive to always do the right thing, good things will happen to you. I find myself falling into the "why me" trap. That is not my style. I usually like to take things head on. However, lately I have been feeling sorry for myself. For crying out loud, when is it OUR turn?
I am sure all this stress is a big factor in my lack of motivation. Another factor is the lack of races on my calendar. I was going to run the Catalina marathon next month, but the logistics are just too much right now. Between the boat ride over, the hotel stay and meals, it not only gets expensive but a little lonely. My husband would have gone with me, but Catalina is where we go to celebrate and he didn't have the heart for it. My girlfriend is running her first marathon anxious wanted to be there with her. But her husband will be there and I don't want to be a third wheel.
This week I took a temporary job to earn some extra money. It is quite possibly the most boring job I have ever done. But it is also completely stress free. So it is easy money. It is my first time working in almost four years where I wasn't wearing workout gear. That is another thing affecting my running this week. It is a lot easier to get two kids ready for school when I don't have to make my lunch, shower, blow dry my hair, put makeup on, and find professional attire that still fits me. I'm sure once I do this a while, I'll get in more of a groove. For now, adding an hour of running in there is too much.
So now I go between feeling guilty and feeling sad for missing this week's runs. I am sure I'll run this weekend, so that should make up for it. In fact, I am really looking forward to running this weekend. Hopefully, it will help ground me a little, put things back into perspective and get the "poor me's" out of my system.
I apologize if some of these posts lately have been a little more dark. Sometimes this blog is as much therapy as it is a journal of my running. I will hopefully post more upbeat and inspiring things soon.